Speed Jokes: Laughing at Tweakers and Meth-heads

“Meth: Preferred by 6 out of 10 drug addicts.”

“Speed: Because Who Needs a Savings Account When You Can Have a Record…Criminal Record.” – For those who thought investment portfolios were too mainstream.

“Say Yes to smoking dope, and You’re Also Saying Yes to More Intimate Encounters…With Courtrooms.” – Get ready to become very familiar with legal jargon and less-than-comfortable benches.

“Speed Users: Because Why Worry About Tomorrow When You Can Freak Out About Everything, Right Now?” – Instant anxiety, just add chemicals!

“Crystal Meth: Transforming ‘Morning People’ Into ‘Never Sleeping Again’ People Since Its Inception.” – Who needs sleep when you have existential dread and a ceiling to stare at?

“Embrace Speed, Embrace Superpowers: Like the Ability to Age Twice as Fast.” – Look forward to celebrating your 40th birthday with the body of an 80-year-old.

“Speed: Because Normal Heart Rates Are Just Too…Normal.” – Thrill-seekers, beware: this ride doesn’t come with safety instructions.

“Choose Tina, Because Your Personal Relationships Could Use More Drama.” – Forget soap operas; your life can become the main attraction.

“Speed Will Help You Lose Weight…Starting With Your Teeth.” – Who knew the secret to a slim figure was in your bathroom all along?

Say no to drugs.

– or end up looking like this guy!

“On Speed, You Can Do Anything…Except Remember What You Were Supposed to Do.” – Task lists become more like vague suggestions.

“Take Speed, Because Who Doesn’t Want Their Mom to Say, ‘I Told You So’?” – Nothing says ‘adulting’ like proving your mom right about all the wrong things.

“Say No to Drugs, Because an Apple a Day Keeps the Real Doctor In, Not the ‘Pharmacist’ From Down the Street.” – For when you prefer your health tips to come from a professional, not a guy with questionable inventory.

“Drugs: Because Who Needs a Brain When You Have…Um, What Were We Talking About?” – Perfect for highlighting the memory-enhancing effects of staying clear from substances.

“Hugs Not Drugs. Cheaper and You Won’t End Up Texting Your Ex at 3 AM.” – A dual-purpose advice that protects your heart and your dignity.

“Choose Pots Over Pot. One Grows Flowers, the Other Grows Problems.” – For the garden enthusiasts who know the real joy of ‘planting seeds’.

“Say Perhaps to Drugs…If You’re Into Conversations With Lampshades.” – Lampshades, after all, are known for their engaging dialogue and insightful commentary.

“Drugs Make You Feel Unstoppable Until You Try to Stop.” – A little reminder that every superpower comes with its kryptonite.

“Avoid Drugs, Because Reality is Weird Enough.” – Seriously, have you seen a platypus?

“Keep Calm and Carry On…Without Drugs, Because Paranoid is No Way to Meet Your In-Laws.” – Imagine the family gatherings; your in-laws are strange enough without adding hallucinations to the mix.

“Don’t Do Drugs, Because Nobody’s Ever Said, ‘That Meth User Looks Healthy.'” – Aim for glowing skin, not a glow-in-the-dark personality.

“Meth: Not Even Once. Because You Still Need Your Teeth to Eat Corn on the Cob.” – And let’s be honest, corn on the cob is one of life’s simple pleasures.

Up for Four Days: Here Come the Shadow People

“Speed: Because Who Needs Friends When You’ve Got Shadow People?” – Perfect for those looking to expand their social circle into the paranormal.

“Join the Meth Express: Where Every Window Becomes a Thrilling Episode of ‘Peek-a-Boo with the FBI’.” – For when you’ve watched every conspiracy theory documentary and still need more.

“Meth Users: Convinced That Their Blinds Are the Only Thing Standing Between Them and a Spy Thriller Career.” – Who knew window treatments could double as espionage equipment?

“Speed: Turning Ordinary Folks Into Amateur Paranormal Investigators Since Its Inception.” – Ghost hunters, eat your heart out. Meth users are on a whole new level.

“Take Meth, Because Sleeping is Too Mainstream and Sanity is Overrated.” – For those who think 3 AM is the perfect time for shadow puppetry with unseen friends.

“Why Pay for Horror Movies When Meth Gives You a Front Row Seat to Your Own Personal Thriller?” – Popcorn not included, but you probably won’t miss it.

“Meth: Because Having a Normal Heartbeat and Not Checking the Locks Every 5 Minutes is Just Boring.” – Who needs calm and tranquility when you can have adrenaline and paranoia?

“Opt for Ice if You Prefer Your Life Narrated by the Paranoid Voice in Your Head Instead of Morgan Freeman.” – Because let’s face it, Morgan Freeman makes everything sound too pleasant.

“Choose Meth and You Won’t Just See Shadows; You’ll Be the Best-Dressed One, Whispering Conspiracy Theories to Them.” – Because if you’re going to have shadow people as guests, you might as well be hospitable.

Your Mind is Playing Tricks Again

“We’re the Shadow People, and We Approved This Hallucination.” – Remember, if you’ve been awake for more than four days, it’s probably us pulling the strings. And trust us, we’re far less organized than you think.

“A Word From the Shadow People: If You’re Chatting With Us, It’s Time to Reconsider Your Life Choices.” – Seriously, when was the last time a conversation with a hallucination led to a productive day?

“Hello from the Other Side… of Sleep Deprivation.” – You didn’t really lock the door. Go check again.

“We, the Shadow People, Would Like to Remind You: The FBI is Watching You.” – And if you go to bed now, they’ll have time to install more surveillance devices. We recommend snorting another line.

“Confessions in the Shadows.” – Remember when you thought you were alone, but you felt that breath on your neck? I was there.

“The Voices in Your Head.” – They’re all watching you. Every move you make, every secret thought, they know. You’ll never be free of their judgment.

“Invasive Thoughts.” – Why do you trust them? What if their kindness is just a mask? Maybe you should be the first to strike.

“The Shadow People’s Guide to Reality: Step 1 – Close Your Eyes. Step 2 – That’s It, You’re Doing Great!” – Sleep, the natural enemy of your new, dubious friends.

Secretly Gay Puns Brought to You by Speed

“Meth: Turning Straight Men Gay Since Its Inception“ – For when drugs make you question more than just your sanity.

“Dope: Transforming ‘Straight as an Arrow’ Into ‘Curves Ahead.'” – Navigating the winding roads of drug-fueled desire can lead to unexpected destinations.

“On Drugs, You’re Not Yourself Anymore: You’re a Guest Star in Your Own Soap Opera.” – Featuring plot twists no one saw coming, not even the scriptwriters.

“Crystal: Making You Hit on Other Men Because, Apparently, They’re Your Type Now.” – Who knew they could be so attractive?

“Meth: Because Apparently, ‘Straight’ Was Just a Suggestion, Not a Rule.” – Exploring uncharted territories with the help of your least reliable guide.

New Ways to Refer to the Tweakers You See at Walmart

Electric Speedsters: “I heard they’re so charged up, they leave sparks when they swipe their metro cards. Now, that’s what I call electric personalities!”

Turbocharged Turnabouts: “Ever seen them in a hurry? They spin around so fast, they give tornadoes a complex. And when they stop, even GPS systems need a moment to recalibrate!”

Zippy Zappers: “Talk about fast—last time I blinked, they’d already completed a marathon, knitted a sweater, and solved world peace. Or so they thought, until they realized they just ran in circles.”

Speedy Gonzales’ Cousins: “They move so fast, they arrive yesterday. If you want to catch up, better start running last week.”

Roundabout Racers: “Spinning in circles? They’ve done it so much, even their thoughts need a pit stop. If you ask them for directions, you’ll end up chasing your tail.”

Hyper-velocity Humans: “They zoom past so quickly, their shadows file missing person reports. Last I checked, the shadows were still filling out paperwork.”

Light Speed Lads and Lasses: “They’re so quick, light uses them for speed training. ‘Keep up, photons!’ they say, as they sprint into the future.”

Turbo Twisters: “When they say they’re going for a spin, take it literally. Last time, they generated enough wind to power a small city.”

Flash in the Pan Fanatics: “They go so fast, if you blink, you’ll miss their entire life story. It’s okay, though—it’s probably just a repeat of yesterday’s sprint.”

Sonic Booms in Sneakers: “They don’t run; they break the sound barrier. Their sneakers? Just for show, because at their speeds, they’re basically flying.”

Jokes From the Users of Meth

Before meth I was fat and lazy. After using meth I’m skinny, still lazy and going crazy.

You know it’s good meth when you find yourself shampooing the mattress.

You know you’re on a good one when you walk into Walmart and the shopping wheel starts squeaking, and you walk out to your car to fix it.

My momma told me I better shop around, so I did and I found the best dealer in town.

I don’t do meth. Meth does me.