Why don’t koalas count as bears?
Because they don’t have the right koalifications.
How do you know if a kangaroo has been in your fridge?
The beer is gone and there’s a note saying, “Cheers, mate!”
Why did the Aussie go to the seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel!
Why did the emu cross the road?
To prove to the kangaroo it could be done!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
How do Aussies keep cool in the summer?
They drink a cold beer, sit in the shade, and whinge about how hot it is.
Why do Australians call flip-flops ‘thongs’?
Because we like to keep things interesting and confuse tourists!
Why did the Aussie bring a ladder to the bar?
Because he heard the drinks were on the house.
What do you call a sophisticated Australian?
A New Zealander.
Why don’t Australians play hide and seek?
Because good luck hiding from a country that’s mostly flat and desert!
Funny Jokes About Australians
- Bloke walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia.
Librarian whispers, “They’re right behind you!”
- A bushie (Australian outback dweller) is driving down a dusty road when he sees a dingo (wild dog) chasing a sheep. He yells out the window, “Hey! You’ll never catch it!”
The dingo stops, looks at the bushie and says, “Fair enough. Fancy a barbie (barbecue) then?”
- A tourist asks a farmer, “How hot does it get around here?”
The farmer replies, “Well, I saw my ute (utility vehicle) melt into a puddle last summer.”
Tourist, worried, asks, “What did you do?”
The farmer says, “I threw another shrimp on the barbie.”
- Two flies are on a wall in a pub. One turns to the other and says, “This place is dead as a drover’s dog (exhausted dog).”
- A bloke walks into a shop and asks the owner, “Oi, you sell boomerangs here?”
The owner says, “Of course we do! Why?”
The bloke replies, “Just wanted to know in case mine comes back.”
Aussie One-Liners
I asked an Aussie if he knew a good place to surf. He said, “Sure, mate! Just follow the waves.”
Why did the koala get a job? He wanted to stop being koala-fied as just cute.
Why don’t Aussies ever get lost? Because wherever they go, they’re always down under.
I tried to play cards with a kangaroo, but he kept hopping out of turn.
What do you call an Aussie who loves his dog? A dingo fanatic.
How do Aussies keep their cool during a heatwave? By throwing a shrimp on the barbie and complaining about how hot it is.
Why did the emu cross the road? To prove it wasn’t chicken.
I told my mate I was going to Sydney. He said, “Sydney who?”
Why are Australians so good at cricket? They’ve got the best wickets in town.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
Australian's are a different breed 😱
— Nature is Amazing ☘️ (@AMAZlNGNATURE) June 15, 2024
Couldn’t imagine what a non Australian would do 😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/Kg6lRW8zCH
Travel to Australia Puns
“Australia: Where all the wildlife wants to kill you.”
“Come to Australia, we swear the spiders are friendly… mostly.”
“Australia: Where everything is trying to kill you, but at least the views are nice.”
“Visit Australia: Because who needs sleep when you have giant insects?”
“Australia: Where ‘No worries’ means everything is on fire, but it’s fine.”
“Australia: Home of the world’s deadliest creatures and the friendliest people.”
“Australia: Come for the beaches, stay because the wildlife won’t let you leave.”
“Australia: If the snakes don’t get you, the drop bears will.”
“Australia: The only place where a cute koala can ruin your day.”
“Australia: Where the only thing more aggressive than the wildlife is the sun.”
Stories From Down Under
An elderly couple are driving when they get pulled over by the cops.
The copper says, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Before he can answer, his wife yells from the back seat, “What’d he say, Bazza?”
“He wants to know how fast I was going, Shazza.”
“Can I see your license, driver?”
“What’d he say, Bazza?” Shazza yells again.
“He wants my license, Shazza.”
“Oh, you’re from Wollongong,” says the copper. “Nice place. Went there once with my footy mates and had the worst shag of my life. Still haunts me.”
Again, Shazza yells from the back seat, “What’d he say, Bazza?”
“He says he knows you, Shazza.”
A man from Las Vegas, NV decides to fly to Australia to visit a friend he met online.
The friend as lived in Sydney all his life and offers to take him on a tour of the city.
The American sees the Sydney tower, and asks his friend “What’s that?’ His friend says “Mate, That’s Sydney Tower!” The man asks “How long did it take to build it?” The Aussie says “Dunno! I think about a year”! The American says “Back home in Vegas I own a construction company, and my guys could’ve got that done in no more than 6 months!” His friend nods, impressed.
A short while later he sees a large bridge and asks his friend about it. The Aussie says “That’s the Sydney Harbour Bridge, Mate!” “How long did it take them to build it?”His friend replies “Yeah, Not sure! I think it took a couple of years!”. The man from Vegas says “Me and the guys could built that in under a year, no problem!”
As they are crossing the bridge, the man sees the Sydney Opera House and asks his friend about it. The Aussie says “Fuck if I know mate! It wasn’t there yesterday!
