Wash Your Hands
An Army guy and a Marine are standing at the urinals. After taking a piss, the Marine walks over to wash his hands. When the Army guy is done taking a piss, he walks straight for the door. The Marine says” one of the basic things they teach in the Marines is to wash our hands after using the restroom.” The Army guy says “in the Army they taught us not to piss on our hands.”
- Do you know what they use to separate the men from the boys in the Navy? A crowbar.
This Ain’t My Hat
A young man goes to use the restroom in a fancy restaurant. As he enters the bathroom, so does a Marine wearing his dress uniform. The young man says “Hey, nice hat.” The Marine say “here, try it on.” So the young man, not wanting to be rude, puts on the hat. Then an Army paratrooper enters the bathroom wearing his red beret. The young man looks at him and says “hey, are you from Ft. Bragg?” The Army guy says “yeah, why? You wanna suck my dick?” The young man quickly takes off the hat and hands it back to the Marine, while saying “this is his hat!”
- I really wanted to join the Marine Corps, I even took the final exam, but unfortunately I failed………………….No matter how hard I tried my head was too big for the jar.
Think Again
A sailor at a bar turns to the guy beside him and says, “Do you want to hear a joke about MARINES?”
The guy responds, “Before you tell it, you should know a few things. I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I’m a MARINE. The guy next to me is 6’2″, 225 pounds, and he’s also a MARINE. The guy next to him is 6’5″, 250 pounds, and he’s a MARINE too. Are you sure you still want to tell that joke?”
The sailor replies, “No, I don’t feel like explaining it three times.”
Back to Basics
A Marine, recently graduated from boot camp, is taken to the hospital with several cuts and puncture wounds on his face.
The doctor asks, “Was he in a fight?”
His mother, crying, responds, “He was trying to relearn how to eat with a knife and fork.”
Is that Play-dough?
A Marine walks by and sees a kid playing with dog poop like it’s play-dough.
The Marine yells, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING, KID?”
The kid replies, “I’m making a Ranger.”
The Marine bursts out laughing and brings his squad leader over. The Staff Sergeant sees the kid and
asks, “KID, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
The kid repeats, “I’m making a Ranger.”
The Staff Sergeant, shocked, goes to get the Platoon Sergeant. The Gunny comes over, sees the kid, and
asks, “KID, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
The kid answers again, “I’m making a Ranger.”
The seasoned Marine can’t believe it and decides to tell the Top. The Top comes over, sees the kid, and
asks, “KID, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
The kid replies, “I’m making a Ranger.”
The Top asks, “AND WHY ARE YOU MAKING A RANGER?”
The kid says, “Because I didn’t have enough poop to make a Marine!”
Why Must We Fight?
Two U.S. Marines boarded a flight and took their seats, one by the window and the other in the middle. Just before takeoff, a U.S. Army Ranger sat in the aisle seat next to them.
After the plane was in the air, the Ranger kicked off his shoes to relax. The Marine by the window said, “I need to get a Coke.”
“Don’t get up,” the Ranger said. “I’ll get it for you since I’m in the aisle seat.”
As soon as the Ranger left, one of the Marines spat in his shoe. When the Ranger returned with the Coke, the other Marine said, “That looks good. I’d like one too.” The Ranger kindly went to fetch another Coke.
While he was gone, the second Marine spat in the Ranger’s other shoe. The Ranger returned, and they all enjoyed the rest of the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Ranger put his shoes back on and immediately realized what had happened. He sighed and said, “Why does it have to be this way? How long will this fighting go on? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?”
You see a group of Marines meticulously cleaning their rifles.
You: “Wow, you guys must be really bored. Nothing better to do than sea-ing to those guns?”
A nervous recruit approaches a battle-hardened Marine Sergeant.
Recruit: “Sergeant, are we gonna see any action on this deployment?”
Sergeant: “Relax, son. The only waves you’ll be dodging are the ones the officers throw at you. Unless, of course, you spill your chowder.”
A Marine bragging to a soldier about their training.
Marine: “Our boot camp is the toughest! We spend weeks at sea, learning to survive anything!”
Soldier: “Really? Sounds intense. Did you guys, you know, actually encounter any dangerous sea life?”
Marine: “Mostly just the cafeteria food.”
Two Marines are on patrol in the jungle.
Marine 1: “Man, I’m getting tired of carrying all this gear. This backpack feels like an anchor!”
Marine 2: “Yeah, tell me about it. Maybe we should just de-sea-rt these packs and make a run for it.”
Marine 1: (Sarcastically salutes) “Semper Fi…tness, my friend.”
Keep Your Friends Close
A National Guard Sergeant from Georgia is driving to his base late at night on a deserted stretch of NC State Highway 24. Meanwhile, a Marine Corporal from Virginia is heading the opposite way to Camp LeJeune. Out of nowhere, they crash head-on, sending both vehicles off the road in a twisted mess.
The Sergeant manages to crawl out of his wreckage, looks at the remains of his car, and exclaims, “Holy shit, I can’t believe I’m not dead!”
The Marine, equally stunned, stumbles out of his car and says, “Wow, I actually survived that!”
The Marine walks over to the Sergeant and says, “Maybe this is a sign that we should drop our rivalry and be friends.”
The Sergeant thinks for a moment and replies, “You know what, you’re right. Let’s see if we have anything left to celebrate with.”
He rummages through his car and finds an unopened bottle of bourbon. “Look at this! I think we should toast to our new friendship.”
The Marine grabs the bottle, takes a big swig, and hands it back. “Your turn!”
The Sergeant caps the bottle, hands it back to the Marine, and says, “No thanks, the police will here shortly.”
Caution: HOT!
To cut procurement costs, the Pentagon decides to standardize coffee cups across all branches of the military, with only the labels on the side being different:
Army Version: “coffee cup”
Navy Version: “Cup, Coffee”
Air Force Version: “cup, beverage, hot/cold, Mod 4 Mark III X29523-14a”
Marine Version: “DRINK FROM THIS END” with an arrow pointing to the top.
- “I’d tell you to stand down, but you probably wouldn’t understand civilian language.”
- “Are you sure you’re a Marine? Because I thought they only accepted the best.”
- “You’re tougher than a boot camp drill, but just as enjoyable.”
- “Guess what? Your uniform isn’t making you any smarter.”
- “Semper Fi? More like Semper Sigh every time you open your mouth.”
- “I see you’ve got that thousand-yard stare. Is that from trying to understand simple instructions?”
- “You march to the beat of your own drum… too bad it’s always off-tempo.”
- “The few, the proud, the perpetually confused.”
- “Your PT skills are impressive—too bad they don’t help with basic math.”
- “Your dedication is admirable, but your sense of direction could use a compass.”
Navy SEAL’s Bar Stunt
A group of Marines are drinking at the bar when a Navy SEAL walks in carrying a large snapping turtle. Everyone in the bar looks puzzled. “What’s with the turtle?” they wonder.
After setting the turtle on the bar, the SEAL pulls out his dick and starts slapping the turtle in the face with it. Suddenly, the turtle snaps down on the man’s dick, causing him to jump back. He spins around with the turtle still latched on, then slams the animal onto the bar, breaks a beer bottle, and kills the turtle by stabbing it in the eye.
Everyone is shocked, and some of the guys start laughing. The Navy SEAL says, “Not like any of you pussies could handle that.”
A minute or two later, one of the Marines approaches him and says, “I can handle it, as long as you don’t stab me in the face.”
