“You’re such a twist in my plans, just like a pretzel.” “Pretzel logic: the art of tying things up in salty knots.” “Feeling twisted? Must be all those pretzels in your life.” “You must be a pretzel because you’re salty and hard to handle.” “Twist and shout! It’s pretzel time.” “Life’s too short for straight…
If you’ve ever dreamed of dressing like you just stepped out of a yacht club’s catalog or wondered how to make khakis look even more insufferable, you’ve come to the right place! Let’s face it, life can get messy. Between the existential dread and the questionable life choices, who wouldn’t crave a world of crisp…
Why did the bacteria fail the math test? Because it couldn’t multiply in the right medium. What do you call a bacteria party? A culture fest. Why are viruses bad at relationships? Because they’re always breaking up cells. How do bacteria communicate? They use cell phones, of course! Why was the microscope feeling depressed? It…
Why did the McDonald’s employee stare at the orange juice? Because it said, “Concentrate.” Their breakfast is served all day, because apparently healthy people don’t eat there.Feeling fancy? Order a McCafe beverage – it practically comes with a McPretentious price tag. At McDonald’s, even the lettuce is taking a leaf of absence. McDonald’s: where the…
Ladies, if the man smells like fabric softener he is in a relationship. My favorite sex position is being loved and treated like a priority. I have a friend who only shaves when she plans on getting busy, because why peel a potato if you aren’t gonna mash it. No matter how boring life gets……
My brother and I are like a super-efficient team. I mess up, and he takes all the credit for fixing it. They say brothers are like best friends. Mine must be an undercover agent then, because he’s always spying on my stuff. My brother is like a computer. He goes to sleep if you ignore…
Why did the pencil get arrested? For drawing inappropriate pictures! Why did the pencil go to the party? Because it wanted to be the leading guest! How does a pencil mark its territory? By drawing a line in the sand! Why was the pencil always making inappropriate jokes? It couldn’t help but graphite the mood! How did the pencil fulfill its lifelong dream?…
Why did the cowboy buy a plunger before the rodeo? He wanted to be prepared for any “deep impact” situations! What do you call a cowboy who’s always ready for action? A rodeo “stallion”! Why did the cowboy start working in a bakery? He wanted to get more “dough” for his lasso tricks! What do…
Wild Seal 1: Arctic Accent “Oi, you think lounging in a tank is a tough life? Try dodging polar bears for a day! Betcha those cushy aquarium seals wouldn’t last a minute out here in the real world.” Wild Seal 2: British Accent “Blimey, those zoo seals have it so rough, don’t they? Swimming in…
Why did the dolphin bring a towel? It wanted to avoid getting too wet behind the ears! Dolphins always make great friends because they are so fin-tastic. What do dolphins use to get their hair done? A blow hole-dryer! How do dolphins decide who gets to go first? They flip a coin! Did you hear…
